God First

After more than a year of serving the Lord as a full time Brev, I finally moved on to work in a secular scenario to help my family financially. Working with professionals, dealing with different kinds of agents and obeying my superiors were not much of a struggle for me during the first months. How could it be that hard when I had my work supported with a sustained prayer life and a good background of formation? Besides, I was to do nothing but the Best for God! Kayang-kaya! Ang yabang noh? ☺

However, following the ways of the Lord is not a bed of roses but a road full of crosses. More so, it is a continuous fight against all temptations. A step closer to God means a greater pull from the enemy to bring us back to where we came from. If we rely on our own efforts in fighting the enemy, we might just find ourselves trapped into where they want us to be.

That is where I precisely found myself in after sometime when I tried to simply maintain my “goody-good” self. I became too focused on doing nothing but the best…period! . I prioritized my job thinking I could be “Martha” all the time. Problems increased and I was overwhelmed. More than ever, I busied myself in my work and finding consolation from people so I could forget my problems. Overtime, extra mile here and there—exhausted me until I was all stressed-out and bedridden. I felt empty.

I was doing great in the world alright! But it was not obviously for God. It was getting harder each day to offer my work to God knowing at the back of my mind that I was actually working for myself, my family, and the company. My lack of communication and recollection to God allowed me to entertain negative thoughts, anger, impatience, irritability, and unforgiveness. I was suffering dark nights in my soul. My unforgiveness was a major factor that hindered me to go to confessions. I suffered interiorly for months and my health reflected it…until I finally decided to bend down my knees again.

Prayer paved the way for the grace of humility to make me go back to Him. It was His love that melted all the stiffness of my heart to admit that I was wrong. It was His healing grace that filled my heart with consolation. It was His forgiveness that made me forgive.

Again, God proved that if we do not put Him number one in our lives, everything else becomes disordered. Hence, we must also imitate “Mary” who chose the better portion. Let us follow the examples of the saints who intensified their struggle to pray during those times they felt deserted, empty, lazy, and preoccupied. Have faith that when we feel God is so distant, it is those that times that He is nearest.

So whenever things go wrong, STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN!

Why I had to Quit...

“So you’re working there? Wow! Salary must be high. Great medical benefits you got there. Sosyal ka!” These are just some of the usual remarks I get whenever I was asked where I worked. Funny that though it seemed like I had one of the most privileged jobs in town, I had the guts to actually quit and choose something that was totally opposite of what I had.

For many years after serving full time as a Brev, I tried to venture on a career that was appropriate to what I was expected to be. I transferred from one company to another hoping that I will have the fulfilment I was looking for – maybe like pleasing my parents or getting the applause I wanted from people. Unfortunately, since my first secular job, something kept on bothering me. I felt that I was tiring myself running on the wrong track; thus, I was getting nowhere. Depression kept on creeping into me until I found myself facing a blank wall. It was totally dead end for me...nothing! Yet I felt that there was something more if only I would listen to the voice within.

Ah yes! The Voice! Many, if not all, usually fail to listen to the voice within. Simply put it, that is the will of God buried in our hearts even before we were born. Due to a lot of pressures following the standards of this world, we fail to reach our dreams and innermost desires. I read somewhere that our innermost heart’s desire is actually the will of God in our lives. Once we fail to follow it, we lose our way ending up unfulfilled and lonely.

Getting sick and dragging myself to work every day eventually made me think. “Why am I wasting my time here welcoming death earlier than expected when I can live a life full of joy despite its hardships?” I thought, “Well, I have a good salary and the job is too simple...” But then I recalled one of my favourite passages in the Bible which changed my whole life ever since I committed to our ministry. “If anyone wants to come with me, he must forget himself, carry his cross, and follow me. For whoever wants to save his own life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. Will a person gain anything if he wins the whole world but loses his life? Of course not! There is nothing he can give to regain his life.” (Matthew 16:24-26)

I thought I found my life and was able to blend in with the secular set-up that I had. I thought I was preparing for a new chapter in my life that I had to lie low in the ministry and simply hand it over to the next batch. But then I found myself dying instead. I stopped dreaming. The secular scenario though easier to follow did not fill my heart with joy. It was a wake-up call when I recalled our Master’s Words. Indeed being in the ministry meant tiring myself unpaid; bearing the unbearable; loving the unlovable; suffering persecutions and being misinterpreted most of the time; yet if these are ways for me to give back somehow the Love of God that’s burning in my heart and to fulfill my dreams, then let it be so. I wanted to be successful in my life and to do that, I had to quit. I wanted to live...again.

They say quitters are losers. However, at this point, I suppose not all quitters are losers. Sometimes we have to quit so we can win. It takes humility for us to quit – accepting that there are things that cannot be and that there is Someone Who has to take charge instead of fighting it all out by ourselves. So when you feel like you are not making it in life or maybe you feel you are in your most terrifying state, quit...let go...let God...so you can live. God will take care of you. 